The Final Chapter (The Gospel According to Bobby)

This is how it all ends...

Ed Bavais sat alone in the dark thinking about his life. The acid rain pounded against the facade and misted through the partially broken windows of what used to be the Bavais Coliseum. It had been years since the crowds gathered there and the once magnificent building was rotting and falling apart. Bavais had a difficult time recalling exactly what his life used to be like. He could feel death preying down upon him, more so now since the doctor muttered those infamous words just over a month ago, "I give you about 4 weeks", he said. Bavais stood up and pulled himself over to a filthy mirror hanging crooked on the far wall of the room. He stood and stared angrily at the reflection of a man in his mid eighties and close to his end. When did he grow old? When did he lose everything? He had been alone for some time now. His wife of over 30 years left him in the late 20's for a 23 year-old musician during the peak of the Nano-movement. She was the last person in the world that would talk to him after his friends all left him one by one. Bavais cared about little else and basically let his life deteriorate after the legendary falling out with his best friend and "Flying Carrollini", JC. Without Bavais, JC moved to Switzerland in 2007 and single handedly developed the software driven technology responsible for stopping a world wide outbreak of oversized craniums. It was only a short time later that Bavais' only remaining friend Dinnnno, against the desperate pleas of Bavais, attempted to practice his well known "Flaming Naked Motorcycle Jump" after 9 martinis in the secret underground lab. Dinnnno lit himself on fire before starting the bike, crashed wildly through the western bay window of the Bavais Coliseum, igniting the building and then crashed head first into the famous Coliseum pizza oven. His gin soaked body exploded on contact, Dinnnno was no more. The oven still carries a dent in the brick where Dinnnno's giant balls came to their final resting place. "WHYYYYY!?!?!" he screamed out in painful anguish. "WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ME?!!?"

The wind pushed open the broken front door, it creaked. "BOBBY?! BOBBY FORRESTER?!?" Bavais called out in delusion. Of course, there was no one there, especially not Bobby who laid rotting in a box on some hill that no one every visited. Bobby was dead, dead as a doornail, just as Bavais would soon be. He hobbled his way down to the once secret "Underground Martini Lab" that now lay in ruins. It had been decades since anyone invented a martini there and only a few empty bottles remained to remind him of what had once been. During the peak of the Bavais downfall, shortly after Dinnnno's death in 2008, his lead professor, Dr. Milton "Pimento" Pinewood left the project and took the entire staff with him. Pinewood's book "My Life in Edschwitz" chronicled the torturous regime of Bavais, the cruelty suffered by his hand at the Coliseum and exposed the Underground Lab to the world. Until it's release, Bavais worked alone in the lab, fancying himself some sort of "mad" scientist and was said to be consuming as much as 70 martinis and 30 to 40 pounds of bologna a day.

A sharp pain hit Bavais in the chest, "NOT YET!!!" he screamed out in anguish. "CAN'T YOU JUST WAIT A FEW MORE MINUTES YOU BLOOD-THIRSTY BASTARD?!" Bavais heard what could only be described as a clanking noise off in the distance getting louder and louder. Then, what sounded like foot steps approaching, closer and closer. He peered with his dull vision through the mist and darkness and could see several figures now standing across the room. He sat terrified for a moment trying to focus his eyesight, finally pulling off his glasses and wiping them clean. When he placed them back on his face he saw his old lost friend JC, whom he heard had died about a decade back. JC was wearing a crushed velvet bathrobe and surrounded by five stunningly gorgeous, scantily clad women. Bavais had not seen or spoken to his best friend since they fought over what has become known around the world as "the stupidest f*cking reason ever in the recorded history of time why two best friends stopped being friends" over 40 years earlier. "Sammy?" Bavais questioned the vision. "Yes, yes, Sammy, it's me." "Am I dead?" Bavais queried. "OH GOD!!! THEY SENT YOU TO GET ME!!!!" "Stop being so dramatic" responded JC, "and for the love of God, stop your whining! You aren't dead yet and you can't die yet either. You're the last person alive who can independently verify my ladies #16 through 347." The women surrounding JC smiled evily and snuggled up against him. "It sure was good to be me." "Then why....why are you here?" "They gave me one last opportunity to come down here and tell you what a TOOL you are! Heaven knows once you croak I'll never see you where I am." "and w...w..w...where are you?" stuttered Bavais. "I'm standing in this dump you live in right in front of you, you f*cking TOOL!"

"Why have you come to taunt me in my final hours. Can you just let me die in peace?"

"Again with all the damn drama. Look, I came down here to tell you that you're going to be visited three times tonight. After that, you can do all the dying in peace you want."

"THREE TIMES?!?!" Bavais clamored, "Why? Why? Why?"

"Because I said so, because I said so, because I said so" JC responded, "what a TOOL, no wonder we never spoke again"

And just like that, the vision of JC disappeared and Bavais sat in the dark. After several moments past, Bavais shook his head and laughed out loud, "HA! Now the old man is seeing and hearing things. JC here! HA!! Probably just that last martini or an undigested olive giving me grief." It took him only a moment to convince himself that the entire episode never happened and with that he retreated upstairs to his damp and musty bedroom.

At 2 AM the giant clock in the Great Hall of The Bavais Coliseum chimed loudly, startling Bavais awake. The clock had not chimed in decades. Quite frankly, Bavais wasn't even completely sure that the clock was even still there. Nevertheless, it chimed and before him stood JC once again, this time alone.

"GO AWAY!!!" shouted Bavais, "YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS HERE!!"

"Yes, I do, you TOOL, and the sooner we get to it, the sooner I can get back to the lovely ladies and out of this decrepit hole"

"Why you again?" Bavais queried, "I thought others would visit"

"Yeah, well, as it turns out, even the spirits don't want to hang out with you. I'm the only one that would."

JC led Bavais through the doorway of his bedroom and once through it they found themselves in a grand, futuristic looking hall adorned everywhere with pictures of Dinnnno.

"Where are we, oh wise ghost of JC"

"ok, ok, there'll be no sucking up. It'll get you no where. The year is 2040 and we're in The Grand Dinnnno Pavilion where Dinnnno resides and commands the masses."

Bavais began to speak, "but Dinnnno died in 2008..." just then he spotted a sign on the far doorway of the hall, the entrance to Dinnnno's office bearing his name and title.

"DINNNNO IS THE RULER OF THE UNIVERSE!??!!?!?" Bavais screamed.

"Well, most of it," JC answered, "99.7% of the known universe. There is a small contingent led by a rogue group of militants from the former Soviet republic of Kazakhstan who are still loyal to The Craaaab. It's Dinnnno's own fault really. He made a martyr out of him in 2016 when he squashed him in his home town of Red Bank at the Count Basie Theatre."

"I don't understand" said Bavais, "Dinnnnno died in 2008."

"That's exactly why I've brought you here. Think you TOOL! Expand your infantile mind just a little bit. This is what would have happened if you hadn't fed Dinnnno all those martinis in an effort to make him like you more."

Just then, as they walked down the hall, Bavais spotted what appeared to be Dinnnno's wedding picture.


"Ah yes, Mrs. Dinnnno. Lovely lady, horrible card player though."


"Quiet YOU TOOL, we aren't finished yet."

Suddenly, Bavais found himself underwater and while his first instinct was to struggle and gasp for air, he soon realized that he could breathe just fine. Around him he could see the wrecked remains of at least 15 motorcycles, their mangled frames leaking oils and gas polluting the surrounding waters. Fish all around him were choking, unable to breathe, a good number already floating in death. "Look at the disaster that your greed has caused, YOU TOOL!!" lessoned the spirit of JC. "you insisted that Dinnnno make that ridiculous jump year after year so that you could sell tickets and get richer and richer. But you never so much as gave a thought to cleaning up The Bavais Lagoon. NOW LOOK AT IT!!!!!"

A loud thumping startled Bavais and in a now feverish haze he saw faces from his past quickly flashing around him in the darkness. Lee Harvey Oswald, Maude, John Spikes, Myron Hasslebaum, Bill "Bucky" Witherspoon, Brian O'Malley and suddenly he was awake, laying in a pool of sweat in his crusty, mold-filled bed with the same thumping coming from the front door. He glanced over to the clock, it read 3:78 AM. Bavais was groggy and couldn't think straight. He had never quite adjusted to the new time since the Greater War of 2031 had knocked the Earth off it's axis and into a longer orbit around the Sun, thus causing the need to add 35 minutes to every hour and 2 additional months to the year. After taking a minute to right himself in the head, he realized that only one person ever visited him this early in the morning. But could it be? She hadn't visited in years. He rushed to the front door flinging it open, there stood the still beautiful vision that had caused so much chaos in his life. He stood bewildered, it was Betty High.

Bavais had met Betty by accident years after her husband Ray stopped reviewing martinis for The Underground Martini Lab. They started talking anonymously in a "Martini Lovers" chat room having no idea that they were already semi acquainted. Betty had grown tired of caring for her vegetablized husband Ray and was looking for new adventure in her life. Bavais' life was well into a downward spiral and his budding relationship with Betty just stoked the flames of his already burning desire to self-destruct. Their tumultuous interaction was the leading catalyst for the demise of Bavais' marriage and the reason Ray High took his own life in 2020. Living with the knowledge of his wife's affair with Bavais for years, Ray was found dead with a martini glass in his hand after writing his first review in over a decade. The martini of his own invention called "The Edtini" he reviewed with the simple words "This martini is a fucking cocksucker. I hate it so much that I must die." Bavais stood admiring the lovely vision of High in his doorway. The rain was pelting her and had soaked every square inch of her delicious 75 year old frame. He stared into her eyes and she stared back into his. For a second everything was like it was, but only a second. Suddenly something was wrong, seriously and desperately wrong. Betty had a look in her eyes like he had never seen. It was rage, pure rage. Something glittered in her right hand. It was too dark and Bavais was too dazed to know exactly what it was but he suddenly had a very sick feeling. He looked behind him and saw the ghost of JC standing there smiling, then to his left and saw the ghost of Dinnnno, also seemingly very happy. One by one they all started appearing, the ghosts of countless people Bavais had wronged over the years, shamelessly screwing whoever he had to get himself ahead. He turned back to Betty. She was no longer trying to conceal the very large hand gun she had bought with her, she was now pointing it directly at Bavais' head. "Did you think I was gonna let you die on your own? After everything you did to screw up my life? Consider this a mercy killing."

A flash of light,

a compact crack of handheld thunder,

the smell of gunpowder.


BoxCar Productions